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Have you ever had one of those tough conversations, the kind you dread? The one you avoid at all costs for fear of spilling tears, accusing fingers, or personal faults being put on the table? The kind of discussion that is put off for days, even weeks, hoping it will change on its own? My husband and I recently had one of these conversations and I couldn’t wait to get past it. I just wanted to get to the moment were the burden was lifted and XO’s were given! But this was the first time I felt we had been defeated, like there was no answer to our issue. Like things would never change! All I wanted was a fresh breath of air; I needed to be free from the darkness I hid so well inside of me.
Just over a year ago we brought into this world a precious, beautiful baby girl. She had tiny hands, little toes, and a smile so large you couldn’t help but laugh and snap twenty-two photos on the spot (that just brings a warm ray of sunlight, doesn’t it?). But for me, she didn’t. I struggled finding any connection to this person who was my daughter. I tried so hard to make myself feel love for her, but nothing seemed to satisfy. I wanted to be a wife to my husband but failed so many times. I couldn’t connect. I didn’t even want to be with people. Everything I came across, even sharing conversations over a cup of coffee with a friend was a climb; like being in a dark hole and no matter how hard I tried or felt there was no substance to grab onto. I tried to except my reality, #momlife. I thought going to church and reading my Bible would help! That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Wrong! The following evening, while the house was quiet and dreams were being formed, I learned how wrong I really was.
Taking time with Jesus and allowing him to evaluate me has always seemed to be a good place to start. Not to mention he is very good at it and always gives the most grace and love, the kind I am unable to give. I was wrong and I had to repent.
“Lord, I have failed at being the daughter you have created me to be. Please forgive me. I have failed at being the wife my husband needs, and I am pretty sure I have failed at being the Mommy I am meant to be. How dare I think these things will fall into place without my full attention and effort?” –Journal Entry
Through Jesus’ embrace he refreshed my soul.
“God, thinking about our conversation (between my husband and I), looking back on life and finding bits of it, you have reminded me, showed me and encouraged me to be the person you have created me to be! An Encourager, Burden Bearer and Prayer Warrior.” –Journal Entry
I was at a point in my life where I continued to do and do and do, so that I could be. Instead of simply being whom God created me to be. I was so refreshed and the burden was gone! God had created me to be this amazing person who brings life to others through words and actions, who walks with those who can’t handle their junk on their own, and someone who prays (I mean really prays!). Not someone who just says “yes!” then forgets. I wasn’t doing any of these things, not for my husband, my family or anybody around me. The moment I began to walk out in who God created me to be was the moment I became free! I found my substance; Jesus. True genuine joy, no matter how exhausted I became or how many times I failed.
I challenge you! Living a life on auto pilot and just trying to make it through to the next best thing is a very dark place to be, I was there! But knowing, being, and acting out in the woman God created me to be has inspired a dramatic shift in how I now perceive life. I am not living to be like Jesus, but allowing him to be my hands and feet. Who has God created you to be? If you are unsure take some time to ask and reflect. What fuels you to give even more of yourself? What gives you genuine joy? Allow Jesus to evaluate you and your life, allow him to give you his grace and love that he so desperately wants to give! You are so loved, and you are so worth it!
Beautifully done Brittany. Thank you for an honest encouragement!
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