We are so lucky to have the talented Laken Nix writing for us today! Thank you Laken! Read on for her story of self love.
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Truth be told, I’ve spent almost my entire life hating my body. The desire to change it stretches so far back into my youth that I can’t even place exactly when it all started. But I do remember being acutely aware of my size as early as 5th grade and going on my first “diet” soon after. Since middle school, I’ve been obsessed with losing weight. I’ve devoted myself to almost every weight loss program, I’ve given up entire food groups, I’ve read nearly every weight loss book, I’ve done all of the pills and the box cleanses. I’ve turned weight loss into a mathematical equation, at one point only allowing myself to eat enough calories in a day to continue functioning. I’ve obsessed over every tiny fluctuation on the scale, all the while feeling shame, disappointment and guilt that I just couldn’t get what I considered to be a small body.
Nothing ever worked. Or rather, nothing ever lasted. I lost weight -- sometimes a little, sometimes a lot -- but it never stayed gone. Without fail, the pounds came back and the compliments went away. I’ve cried countless tears. I’ve shaken my fist at God and endlessly questioned his motives. Why give me these hips and this tummy? Why not give me the discipline and self-control I need to get rid of these hips and this tummy? Why make it so hard for me to be happy?
While I never broke the cycle entirely, I started to feel some peace with my body when I started dating my boyfriend (now husband), Tyler. It was the first time I felt truly and unconditionally loved no matter my size and I started to see myself through his eyes. Embarrassed by my struggle with weight, I hid it from him, and discouraged with restricting myself, I stopped. But throughout our dating relationship, I went from the smallest I had ever been to the largest. In a stable and loving relationship, I was growing to hate myself and my body more than I ever had before.
The desire to lose weight escalated when Tyler and I got engaged in August 2011. The countdown to my wedding also became a countdown to when I needed to have the “perfect body.” As I planned the details of our big day, I planned the details of how I was going to shed the pounds. I dove full-force back into the calorie-restricting, binge-eating, self-destructive habits of my past because I couldn’t fathom walking down the aisle in this same ol’ body. I was determined to feel comfortable in my skin, to look beautiful in my dress and to make my husband-to-be happy with his decision to marry me. I was placing every ounce of my self-worth into what my body looked like on the outside and how many numbers showed up on the scale. But no matter what I tried throughout our 14-month engagement, my weight more or less stayed the same and I got married in a body I felt ashamed of.
For a while, I couldn’t even stand to look at our wedding photos because all I could see was an uncomfortable girl in an unflattering dress. But in the nearly two years since our wedding, I’ve had a little time to step back and reflect on where exactly my plan veered off course. And you know, I haven’t been thinking about what I could’ve eaten differently or all of the times I could’ve exercised longer. Rather, I think about why my weight and body image have such a strong pull on my heart that they can hang a cloud over my wedding day -- the beautiful day when I committed my entire life to the most amazing, dreamboat of a man. Why have I convinced myself for years that I could make real and lasting changes in response to negativity and hatred? Why have I created such a hostile environment and allowed my inner mean girl to become the dominant voice inside my head? Looking back now, it feels silly to think I was trying so hard to create happiness and contentment out of such a black hole of negativity.
Body image is something I think I will always struggle with to a degree and I definitely don’t know the end-all, be-all solution. But I do know the starting place. It’s silencing my inner mean girl and cultivating real self-love. It’s believing that my body deserves love instead of hate, empowerment instead of criticism. It’s creating an environment where I can thrive. It’s showing my body love in real, tangible ways instead of just thinking it or saying it. It’s appreciating my body instead of degrading it and it’s giving myself grace every minute of every day. Most importantly, it’s about valuing this one body that God has entrusted me with and knowing that I’m meant to live life in this skin.
Maybe this all sounds kind of woo-woo. Maybe it’s a little too lovey-dovey and not practical enough. I know I would have felt that way if I would have read these words a few years ago, when I was so desperately seeking a quick fix. But once I started taking all of that heavy pressure off of myself and started focusing on loving my body as it was, I started losing weight. I consistently lost weight without changing anything else I was doing (until I got pregnant and switched into “healthy weight gain” mode -- which is an entirely different story.) Now I try every single day to practice the habit of self love and appreciation. Some days are harder than others but learning to listen to what my body really wants is leaps and bounds better than counting calories, so I think I’ll stick with it.
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Laken is a writer and mentor living in the deep south of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. She is passionate about making wellness a real and attainable thing in the lives of women -- in a non-preachy, totally-manageable, real-life kind of way. Laken shares about real food and creating a good life at home over on her blog, Peach and Humble. She is happily married to husband, Tyler, and they are expecting the arrival of their first little (a girl!) in October.
